Thinking & Feeling so Many Things! – Week 4

The Dysfunctional Couple

I’ve been thinking about what I’m sacrificing to achieve my DMP. And it’s THE LIE; all the components of it. I’ve been thinking how something beneficial comes along at exactly the right time, even though my brain might protest with, “Hey wait a minute, this is bad timing”. And when it’s something in alignment with what I want with all my heart, the, “Hey wait a minute” thought is always triggered by some type of fear.

For example, I once was invited to be a leader for a great coaching company, anxiety got the upper hand, I turned it down and later regret this. Fear is a con man (or woman).  And this is just one example. I just got that fear and regret are like a dysfunctional married couple who stay together come hell or high water, and both things arrive.

My Wise Self

It’s my wise-self; Future-Self; current empowered self; best-selling author self who thinks, “It’s always the right time to have my Definite Major Purpose manifest. It’s always the right time to, “Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!” It’s always the right time to be clear about my  hearts’ desire, and  to refuse everything  not aligned with it; especially those Powerful Purposeful Peptides (PPPs) that are playing  an old game. It’s always the right time to keep promises to myself. These new thoughts give me determination and fill me with en-thuuuuuuu-si-as-im! While driving in my car I’ve found myself repeating a phrase I relished in the past, “I’m alive, awake, alert & enthusiastic!” Wash.Rinse. Repeat. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve been thinking for the past few hours about how peptides will free me and create my new life, because I’m going to stop feeding the peptide addiction I have to certain negative feelings. The negative? “I’ve previously been addicted to relief, but until today relief seemed like a positive feeling , but now I know it’s a cop out. Sure, relief happens after a close call. Then it feels good. However, the relief I previously set myself up to feel is artificial, bad ju ju and is no longer going to swim around inside my body like those green blobs in What the Bleep, having a great time without me.

Pop. Pop. Fiz. Fiz. Oh What a Relief it Is, But Why Not Avoid Heartburn Altogether?

I’ve been recovering from an eating disorder since 1980. And I’m grateful and proud for 38 years of recovery. But dam_ if I didn’t just realize something. Though I don’t ever binge-purge this way, but I have purged in a different way. For example, by piling things on, or doing something in excess, like making too many plans, then cancelling something, or by dropping out of something when I feel stressed, or creating a vision of grandeur and then procrastinating because it felt too overwheming. So basically, I’m admittting that I’ve created stress so I can get unstressed. Twisted, and I’m a former shrink (it’s not in the degree or license, it’s in the habit, right?)

This realization about a different kind of purging came to mind while writing this Week 4 post after the Week 4 webinar, today. Apparently, up to this moment, I’ve been attached to suffering in the same way I was when I was when I was punishing myself with overeating, then setting myself free (but not really, since it was a repetitive cyle), which was itself a form of punishment. (I’m feeling really vulnerable sharing this). Yes, overcommiting,  then giving myself relief (permission to quit, cancel, or procrastinate),is a different version of the same peptide-ic pattern?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary refers to relief as, “A feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.” Worse yet,  relief is defined as something given to people when they’re lacking something essential like food, clothing or shelter.” No, no, no! I don’t want or need this kind of relief.

So instead of procrastinating, or taking on too much, or overwhelming myself with a grandiose vision (unbacked by habits that work), so I can offer to relive myself later (sounds like going to the bathroom), I’ll feed my peptide-making-machine with positive emotion. I’ll also give myself relaxation (hot baths and massages, for example) and let you know how it goes.

Children need reassurance. However, I don’t. I’m an adult and what I need is to keep my promises to myself and others. I don’t need comfort, consolation, and solace when I have enthuasisam, recognition, freedom. Because today I am a new woman with a new life.

P.S. The Golden Apples of Hesperides

The Apples of the Hesperides_3.jpg


I love archetypes and symbols and I’ve been curious about the reference to the golden apples in the Garden of Hesperides that Og writes about on page 52 of GS. So I looked it up! I learned that the, “Daughters of Evening” (singular Hesperis), in Greek mythology, were clear-voiced maidens who guarded the tree bearing golden apples that Gaea gave to Hera at her marriage to Zeus. The golden apples were also guarded by the dragon Ladon. I’m glad I’m creating; that our group members are creating, an inner dragon to guard what is, “no more than our just reward.”

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